The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
