my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
