She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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