i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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