they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
