who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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