DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
