she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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