No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
