matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
