it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
