This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
