Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
