...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
