Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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