2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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