Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
