When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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