apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
