Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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