you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
organizing the empties. That sober.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
