spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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