I need to stop coming to work sober
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize