textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
