I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can Purell be used as lube?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
