I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
