you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
