Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
