Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
