When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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