My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
