Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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