He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
