My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
