C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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