He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
