Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
