My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
