Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
