I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
