forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
