I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
