I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
