The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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