Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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