My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
