wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize