btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
