At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
