From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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