Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
