he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
how does that bad decision feel?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
