you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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