My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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