i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
